as of 12/03/06, To see the full streaming video or still images from our feature length movie
"Hotel Originaldo: Dream daVinci"
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"Fidel Castro and JFK's Hunt For Red October"
"Louis Farrakhan's Passover Interview" "Colin Powell's Terminator One" "Jim Nabors' The Wild One"
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"Don Knotts' Saturday Night Fever; The Japs Are Comin'"
"Geraldo Rivera's Lost Statues" "Jimmy Carter's Rat Pack"
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"Larry King's Hebrew American Hour"
"Oral Robert's Oral Robbers' Hour" "Ronald Reagan is Lord of the Rings" "Pope John Paul II is The Godfodder"
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"Richard Nixon's Scarface"
"Bruce Springsteen's Missile Reduction Treaty" "Gerald Ford's Trash Bag Debate"
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"Rush Limbaugh's It's a Walgreenful Life"
"Bob and Elizabeth: A Dole Romance" "Lyndon Johnson's Platoon" "Boris Yeltsen, Mig Pilot"
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"Jack Kevorkian's Good, Bad, and Ugly"
"John Ashcroft Closing In On Terrorism" "Bob Dylan's Good Lady Down" "Elvis Presley and Nat King Cole: A Tale of Two Kings"
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"Carroll O'Connor and James Dean's Family Secrets"
"Robin the Leach's New Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous" "Bob Dylan and Squint Eastwood's High Plains Drifters"
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"Janis Joplin's Sound of Music Vanity Promo"
"Ed Sullivan's Gone with the Wind" "Top Gun Bill Gates" "Albert Einstein's Rocky Squared"
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"Milton Berle's A-Team"
"Finally, All in the Family" "Mick Jagger's Triumph of Integrity" "Rodney Dangerfield, Kate Winslet, Titanic Screentest"
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"Hussein, Arafat, Bin Laden are Desert Scum, Garbage in the Sand"
"Groucho Marx in Paris" "Last Days of Khadafy" "Jimmy Carter's North Korean Breakthrough: Read My Lips, No More MSG!!
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"Buzz Aldrich: Burgers on the Moon"
"George F. Will was Blueboy" "Andy 'Hardy' Rooney was Napoleon" "Don Rickles is Mad Max"
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"Sam Donaldson's Kelly's Heroes"
"Roy Orbison Gets Pretty Woman" "Sid Caesar was Titus" "Donald Trump's Deal is Consummated"
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"Ali-The Movement (the bullshit continues)"
"Ted Koppel and Charlie Rose's Nightwatch" "Michael Jackson's Meet Me In St. Louis"
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"Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion 2025"
"John Kennedy: Advisor and Bodyguard" "Released Prematurely: Howard Stern and Andrew Dice Clay" "Charlatan Heston's Big Gun Commandment"
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"Mike Tyson's Battle for the Planet of the Apes"
"Billy Graham's Billy's Angels" "Pat Buchanan's Lincoln Self Image" "Neil Diamond as Squint Eastwood's Dirty Diamond"
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"Joe Lieberman's Campaign Headquarters"
"Jerry Seinfeld's Hairdresser Diet" "Ross Perot's Parrot Patriots"
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"Dick Cheney's Harry Potter"
"Jerry Mathers as The Original Fugitive" "Oprah Winfrey's Yolo Zen" "Star Truk: Final Delivery"
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"Jane Fonda's Steroid Earring Workout"
"Tony Curtis was Wonder Woman" "Chelsea Clinton in National Velveeta" "Jay Leno and David Letterman, Our Great Thinkers"
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"Johnny Kerry as Austin 'Gringo' Powers"
"Uncle Albert: an Apple Production" "Jessie Jackson's Million Dollar Bar Mitzvah" "Betty Grable at Pearl Harbor"
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"Elvis Presley was King David"
"Edgar Allen Poe, The Raven Within" "Adolph Hitler: The Last Night" "Ho Chi Minh's Happy Days"
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"Jack Ruby's Marilyn Monroe Card"
"Edith Bunker was Cleopatra's Sister" "Liberace was Cleopatra" "Was Bill O'Reilly Really Ben Hur?"
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"Ulysses S. Grant: Original Hustler"
"Phyliss Diller All Dillered Up" "Jim Carey and Britney Spear's Maltese Foulgoon" "Shirley MacLaine's Indiana Jones"
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"Wolf Blitzer, Last Samurai"
"Lily Tomlin Arnaz" "Mona Lisa DaVinci, the lavender Rose" "Elizabeth Taylor Van Gogh"
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"Dolly Parton's Ms. Moses"
"Tom Cruise was Queen Victoria" "Arnold Schwartzenegger was the actual Hunchback of Notre Dame" "Janet Jackson was Joan of Arc and she will Save America!"
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"The Passion of Christ or the Grudge of Mel Gibson?"
"Today's People" "John Kerry and Hillary Clinton: Get Smart?" "James Dean Junior: Keys to the City"
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"Elizabeth Taylor was The Sphynx"
"Bush Cassidy and the Kerry Kid after the Count" "Elvis Presley was King Tut" "Kirk Douglas, Katherine Ross and Robert Redford are the Hole in the Chin Gang"
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"White House: The Movement w/ George Bush and John Kerry"
"S is for Stallone, Sylvestor, Rambo, and Rocky" "Jeb Bush, Miami Vice-President" "Candoleeza Rice is the Wizard of DC"
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"Leonardo DiCaprio is Ramboo!"
"Monica Lewinsky in Gulp Dicton" "OJ Simpson and Johnny Cochran in The Jauntice of Justice?" "Mel Gibson's Very Own Xmas Album"
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"John Kerry's long lost Hustler Screentest"
"Reagan-Bush: And the Berlin Wall Comes Tumbling Down" "Let The Harley Davidson Excercycle Do All The Sweating"
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"Head Soprano Henry Kissinger"
"Buffy Steven Segal" "George 'Rocky' Bush in Bush III" "Edwards and Kerry were The Odd Couple"
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Of course all us grammar school grads know that John Steinbeck wrote "The Grapes of Wrath" and that Henry Fonda starred in the movie. But so what's with "The Gripes of Wrats" poster above. Well, John Steinbeck had a young son named John E. and he was just starting to read and write when his father wrote his masterpiece about depression-era workers. And when young John E. discovered it was all about grape-pickers, he asked what were all the rats going to eat if the workers picked all the grapes. The elder Steinbeck said that that was a good question and prodded his son to write a short story about it. Pop was so impressed by his son's first short story that when he sold his story to MGM, he stipulated that they also must make a short feature, also starring Henry Fonda, from his son's story. But you know those shifty characters at MGM. They made young John E.'s story into a short film like they promised, but didn't release it. Why?? Because they thought "The Gripes of Wrats" was so good that it would make the "Grapes of Wrath" look bad. And they could never charge full admission price for a 20 minute film, so they left little John E.'s film and this promo poster on the shelves...until Originaldo's son, Originaldie, heard about it from John E.'s son, John E. E. Steinbeck, and the two tyksters did some heavy duty reconnoitering and rescue work.
Say you say you don't remember the jury in Twelve Angry men eating greasy White Castle burgers. Well, you're probably right...because the poster for the version above was never released like so many of the other authentic posters on this page. And why was it made and why wasn't it released? It was made because Henry Fonda's son Peter was a strict vegetarian when he was a small child. And he cried on the set when he saw the 12 angry men eating big steaks in between takes. So, to make him happy, Henry promised Peter that he would secretly re-edit the movie to get across a "meat is murder" message. Henry kept his promise but young Peter fell in love with the smell of the White Castle belly-bombers his father used as props during the re-editing and quit crying and started eating. Nevertheless, it made Henry think hard on the subject and he came to be a vegetarian himself and completed the re-edit. Of course, the studio laughed when Henry asked for it to be released and the project was abandoned...until Henry worked with Katherine Hepburn in the movie On Golden Pond. She was a strict vegetarian and Henry told her abut the vegetarian version of 12 Angry Men and gave her the only poster in existence and a key to the lock box where the movie has been in storage for half a century. As luck would have it, the bank which held the lock box was right next to a White Castle. Kathryn Hepburn became so intoxicated by the smell, she actually destroyed the movie when she got her hands on it. But fortunate for all us who know that too much red meat makes men angry, Originaldo was able to at least salvage the poster from the dumpster behind White Castle where he just happened to be foraging for some free fries in between his own artsy-fartsy projects.
Would you believe Orville and Wilbur Wright's father's name was Leonard David Wright? Leonard David sounded just enough like Leonardo daVinci to get the art experts wondering. And when they found a magnificently analytic sandstone rendering of Mona Lisa in one of the Wright Brothers Steamer Trunks at the Smithsonian last year, the experts knew they were onto something really big. The Steamer Trunk in question was locked when it came into the museum's possession 75 years ago and it was only last year that the new Smithsonian staff decided to hire Originaldo's genius locksmith cousin to open the trunk without damaging it...and they couldn't believe what they found. In addition to the Mona Lisa rendering they discovered both Wright Brother's personalized hairbrushes. A quick DNA comparison to the Wrights hairs with a single DaVinci hair discovered embedded in the varnish of the Mona Lisa at the Louvre in Paris proved their suspicions beyond a doubt. Leonardo's DNA was a never before documented Quadruple Helix while the Wright Brothers each had the standard Double Helix...but all other GMP (Gray Matter Parameters) matched perfectly. The conclusion was obvious. The Wright Brothers were Leonardo's metaphysical reincarnation. Their genius minds each carried one half of Leonardo's towering genius mind. As a result of the part he played in unlocking this puzzle, he Smithsonian has issued a lifetime position to Originaldo's Israeli-American locksmith cousin, Jimmy Lox.
So you think this poster is a fake? Think again. After kissing his wife Betty good night, President Gerald Ford would sneak off to give homeless kids rock lessons late into the night at the local YMCA. The school became so popular and so inspired the youth of Washington to once again look at school as a very serious thing, his sister Francis Ford Copula decided to make a heavy metal movie about it. And the movie was made during the final year of his administration. So why has it never been seen? Because a young Arkansas Governor whose name you can guess (Bill Cinton) heard about the whole thing and convinced Ford it might irreparably tarnish the sanctity of the oval office which he someday hoped to occupy himself. So Ford canned the film, but at least this poster survied to help historians understand why President Ford quite often fell down. How well would you walk after spending all night rocking and rolling? And can you blame Betty for taking to the bottle when she discovered her seemingly conservative husband Gerald Ford was better known on the streets as Jerry Lee Ford.
So you think you've seen the movie Patton? Not really. At least not the way it was originally envisioned and produced by Hollywood. Sure, George C. Scott was to play George S. Patton...but in a musical with a Leslie Caron look-alike. So why didn't you see "Patton: An American in Paris?" Why was the film canned as "inappropriate?" Because the Charlie McCarthy film review board felt it was wrong to treat war as a musically light-hearted affair? Wrong. It was never released for two reasons. First, the board felt the tiny straw hat exposed too much of General Patton's actual helmet that the Army insisted Scott wear. Secondly, an aging Leslie Caron filed a successful injunction against the movie on the grounds that she should receive much more salary than her youthful look-alike did. So much for a European version of South Pacific...unless Pat Ono, Patton's abandoned Liverpool son, who rescued the film from an MGM dumpster, sees fit to risk incarceration and release the magnificent movie himself. We can only hope. "Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see," as Julie Andrews (Leslie Caron's voice-alike in the film) said when questioned on the matter.
What's this bizarre book cover all about? What's anti-technocratic unabomber Ted Kaczynski have to do with Moby Dick? Microsoft Super Computers have compared the syntax of the Unabomber Manifesto and the centuries-old classic Moby Dick. They were written by the same man. No doubt, not even a shadow. What does it all mean? It means that Herman Melville's inner-soul knew he would someday become the countertek criminal Kaczynski and portrayed his own passion and that of the unabomber-to-come as that of Captain Ahab in search of "the great white whale" (which Kaczynski himself has many times called modern technology). It is a little known fact that Mehlville himself was so against the industrial revolution that rather than use factory produced pen and ink, he scribed Moby Dick with a hand-crafted bamboo toothpick and his own blood. You believe this over-cooked bullshit?? You will if Bill Gates ever manages to get the Supreme Court to allow him to market this blockbuster e-book and the dvd movie that goes along with it (both of which will only play on Windows 2525).
So why is this beautiful promo poster all wrinkled up like maybe somebody salvaged it from the trash? Because somebody did. And why was it made in the first place? Because when the ratings for the Ozzie and Harriet Show finally began to fall after umpteen years, Ozzie asked his successful stand-up comedian cousin Izzy Nelson to join the family show and infuse a bit of new blood in the series. You might have already guessed that Izzy Nelson demanded on taking center stage. Good guy Ozzie stepped to the side and agreed that anything that was good for the show and the public was okay with him. At least that's what Oz thought until he heard Cousin Iz's crude brand of politically incorrect humor. Oz immediately canned the show and went back to the original family-style Ozzie and Harriet format. Oz believed that even if the ratings were falling, the show was still good for the people and funded it out of his own pocket for a few years while Cousin Izzy changed his name to Carroll O'Connor, stole the title "All in the Family," and took a tip from Ozzie to soften his schtick a bit and became the outspoken and bigoted, but lovable, Archie Bunker. This crumpled poster was purchased on E-Bay for $1.98 by Originaldo so that this historic truth could finally beknownst to all. The Natinal Enquirer reports that Christie's has already offered $5.98 for the crumpled artifact, so Originaldo may get a free lunch out of the deal afterall.
Different picture, same old story. The ratings go down and the big star panics. In this case, John Travolta was afraid his career was finished when "Welcome Back, Kotter," started to slide in the Rosenbloom Ratings. Not many of his fans knew it back then, but Travolta was as good a writer as he was an actor. He was educated well at the Brooklyn Hebrew Academy. That's right, Travolta is Jewish and his given name is Johann Travoltenstein. So anyway, Travolta wrote this script about how Kotter goes on a vacation to Israel and comes back looking like Moses and changes his name to "Kosher." But the producers of Kotter, who also happen to be Jewish, didn't like the idea beause it was too ethnic and might alienate their Christian sponsors. So, to make a long story short for a change, the idea for a new and improved TV show called "Welcome Back Kosher" was canned but when a big time publisher got wind of his screwball script, they gave Travolta a full-time writing job at Tempo Books...until the tempo of Saturday Night Fever set in and the rest is semetic cinematic history.
Few of us were aware that the wonderful television family show "Father Knows Best" was the brainchild of Milton Berle whose real name was actually Milton Burly. And even fewer of us were aware as we watched Uncle Miltie on his own Texaco Star Theater every Sunday night that his loving mother Sarah Burly was in the wings coaching him every inch of the way. So, is it such a stretch of the imagination to understand that when Milton's mother became very ill and he realized what a nothing he would have amounted to without her that he decided to change the name of Father Knows Best to Mother Knows Best? Robert Young and Jane Wyatt very willingly switched roles, but only because they also had grown to love Sarah Burly...afterall she was also their mother. I know it sounds crazy, but Milton, Robert, and Jane were Sarah Burle's three loving children. When the first episode of the newly formatted series was sneak previewed to several New York critics, it got mixed reviews to say the least. But Sarah loved it so much that her long illness suddenly vanished. So Milton decided rather than to risk the solid ratings of Father Knows Best he'd put off airing the show until his mother passed away. Because he knew that if the critics publicly condemned the controversial cross-dressed show it would literally kill his mother. So why did the public never see Mother knows Best after Sarah passed away? Because Milton Berle died in 2002 at age 93...and his mother Sarah is still alive and well. She was only 13 and out of wedlock when she gave birth to Milton, Robert, and Jane. That's right, Sarah is now 106...and Milton Berle, Robert Young, and Jane Wyatt were triplets.
All us old timers know that Jerry Lewis split up with Dean Martin way back in the 50's and we all know that Jerry Lee Lewis made rock 'n roll history with his "Great Balls of Fire" in the 50's. But there are a couple of things about these two jokers that none of us knew for sure...until now. It is a well know fact that piano-pumper Jerry Lee Lewis is bible-thumper Jimmy Swaggart's cousin. But his name isn't Jerry Lee Lewis. It's Johnny Swaggart. And few of us know that Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis actually split up twice. And the first split was because Jerry felt Dean didn't treat him with enough dignity. So right after the first split, Jerry started using his more dignified-sounding full name, Jerry Leon Lewis. Above you see the poster for his first movie without Dean, "Great Balls of Fire." It was supposed to be a spoof of rock 'n roll. But it never was released because Dean promised ratpack membership to several of Jerry's entourage if they told Jerry the film would be a loser and would permanently ruin his career. So Jerry Lewis listened to his supposed friends and got back together with Dean to make a movie way down south in Stephen Foster country called "Camptown Ladies." The piano player who played the song everyday to get the film crew in the mood was a local boy named Johnny Swaggart. He was a bit on the wild side and he and Jerry got to be friends. Jerry made the mistake of showing Johnny the above poster for the film he had abandoned. Less than a month after Jerry Leon Lewis and Dean Martin headed back for Hollywoood, Johnny Swaggart changed his name to Jerry Lee Lewis and wrote a song with the same name as the orphaned film, "Great Balls of Fire." When the song soared to the top of the charts and made Jerry Lee a legend in his own time, Jerry Lewis decided to remake the movie he had already destroyed once, and so he split with Dino for the second and last time. So did the movie get remade? Some people say that Dennis Quaid, Jerry Lewis's nephew got the lead part instead of Jerry Lee Lewis. But there were two re-makes...the first one starring super-buffoon Jerry Leon Lewis himself. But he decided at the time that the film wasn't good for his dignified telethon image and destroyed it a second time..but failed to destroy the poster you see above. And isn't it fortunate for us that Originaldo discovered the poster stuffed inside a discarded mattress from a French brothel owned by Jimmy Swaggart.
Reluctantly, Johnny "the bullet" Carson agreed to appear in "Bullitt II," produced by the Mighty Carson Wives Association of America. But he agreed to do so only if he was allowed to use his real name Karnak McQueen. That's right Johnny Carson (aka Karnak McQueen) was Steve McQueen's brother. What was to be his fee for this sacrificial role? All his wives were to terminate their alimony demands. The movie was made, the alimony was dropped, but by that time Johnny had enough mulah from the Tonight Show to buy up every print of the movie before they were released. Johnny would have definitely had the last laugh this time around...if ti hadn't been for Originaldo's cousin Sweep, a janitor at Warner Brothers.
When Greta Garbo saw her mug on a giant poster for Garbonzo Beans at Grumman's Chinese Grocery, she decided her agent had gone too far. She canned him, bought out the canning company with every cent she had, and moved to New York where she decided she could never again show her beautiful face in public. She sold 49% of the bean canning company to the Bush family and lived off her 51% share of Bush's Beans profits for the rest of her life. Now we know the simple and musical legend behind her reclusive lifestyle.
No laborious story behind this aborted poster. Gonad Obrien always dreamed of being a real midnight cowboy...and now, thanks to his father who owns controlling stock interests in CBS, NBC, and ABC, Gonad changed his name to Conan and his dream has come true through the magic of latenight teewee. We woud be derilict in our duties if we failed to mention that Conan's brother is Chuck Farris...but that's a whole other story.
You guessed it, film fanatics. Katherine Hepburn first tried to break into the film industry by playing Christian Fletcher in Mutiny On The Bounty. But, after the film was a wrap, the Warner Brothers discovered Kevin was really Katherine, they decided to have all the characters simply dub "Christie Fletcher" into everywhere they said "Christine Fletcher." But, after going to all this trouble, the Warners had second thoughts and decided the world wasn't ready for a Christie Fletcher afterall...any more than they were ready for studio heads named Warner Sisters (which they really were according to secret sources at Grumman's Chinese Beauty Salon).
"American Carta" by Princess Diana So what is this wrinkled up book cover all about? Let's start near the end and work backwards. How did it get wrinkled and where did those two bloodstains come from? We now know, thanks to DNA, that the paper was at one time wadded up and clutched in Princess Di's bloody hand. Immediately we jump to the conclusion that it was clutched in her hand at the time of the tragic auto crash in which she perished. Wrong. A once-secret source at Scotland Yard recently testified publicly at a UN Board of Inquiry regarding the true origins of the Magna Carta. He swore under oath and while connected to both a lie detector and an intravenous truth serum line that this workup for a book cover was forcibly taken from Princess Di's person by a pair of renegade Scotland Yard operatives 2 weeks before her death...but not before she got a couple bloody good punches in..thus the bloodstains. So what is this "Scotland Yard Exhibit #PD93" all about and why was it so important that it be taken from Di? As we all know Princess Di was an elegant addition to the Royal Family for awhile...until she was browsing around the top secret Archives Vault at Buckingham Palace one afternoon and very carefully began to examine the original 1297 Magna Carta which is kept there in an air-tight, climate-controlled, cigar box designed and built by Winston Churchill. At any rate, Princess Di discovered that the very first page of this sacred document which is the cornerstone of modern democracy had it's bottom right corner folded over. She very carefully unfolded the corner and was shocked to see what it had been hiding and now revealed. A pen drawing of A. Lincoln and a signature which matched perfectly to that on the Emancipation Proclamation which came over 600 years later. Lady Di immediately (but not before photographing it with a miniature camera she always carried in her left shoe) told Prince Charles about the discovery. He pretended not to know anything about it, and summarily dismissed Di's assertion that America's own Abraham Lincoln had penned the British Magna Carta in a previous lifetime. They argued over the thing for weeks and when Di went back to examine the evidence again, it was gone. And so was her marriage to Prince Charles as a result of the deceptiveness he exhibited over this historic issue. But remember, Princess Di had a photograph of the page and, and funded by the Ronald Reagan administration, spent the next several years gathering evidence and writing a book about the subject. But three weeks before her death a couple British thugs barged into her Park Avenue Suite in new York and removed her manuscript along with the computer, the entire desk, and all filing cabinets in the room in which she wrote the revelation. But the thugs missed a full size photocopy of the book cover layout a mimiature copy of the entire manuscript which Di always carried in her right shoe. Immediately, Di jetted back to London to tell her people about what had happened. But just as the media was gathering for her press conference, two neatly dressed Scotland Yarders grabbed both the book cover and minature manuscript from her hands and she bloodied their noses for it. But with no hard evidence the press conference was aborted. Four questions remain. Firstly, was Di's untimely death 2 weeks later in any way connected to this Magna Carta case? Secondly, coincidence or destiny that the Magna Carta was confirmed by King Edward I on August 31, 1297 and that Princess Diana perished 7 centuries layer to the day, on August 31, 1997? Thirdly, did Abraham Lincoln really pen the Magna Carta in a previous life? And fourthly, does anybody really know the answers to the first three questions? You can bet your bottom dollar Originaldo does and that he will let the world know the historic truth when time is ripe. In the mean time, at least we now know why the elegantly poised Princess Di occasionally was caught stumbling. Not because she had too much to drink, but because this Lady of Truth had a camera in one shoe and a miniature manuscript in the other.
"Liberty Outlined" by Benjamin Franklin So, you think this ripped old sketch of Lady Liberty's head and crown is no big deal? Wrong. This document which had been kept secret for 100 years and then lost for another 100, is actually the cornerstone for all of Western Civilization...the Rosetta Stone of Democracy, so to speak. Huhh??? That's right, it has recently been proven beyond any doubt that this sketch, drawn by the sacred hand of America's very own Benjamin Franklin was to be the book cover for his definitive treatise on freedom and democracy and how it could be implemented worldwide. So why haven't we ever heard about this "Liberty Outlined" book before if it was and still is so important? Because Franklin finished it in 1776 Paris just 4 months before the target date, July 4th, that he, Washington and Jefferson had set for issuing our Declaration of Independence.
But Franklin knew that without the muscle to enforce independence from England, any declaration was totally meaningless. Franklin's charismatic genius had gained great favor with King Louie, not mention with several of his young maidens. One day while Franklin was frenetically packing to go back to America, even though he knew independence was doomed without external assistance, King Louie barged into Benjamin's castle suite and demanded that Franklin stay in France, that there was no use for Franklin to waste his life just to go down with the ship of American Independence. While Franklin was explaining the importance of his return to America, Louie noticed the book cover and quizzed Franklin about it.
"What wisdom does this "Liberty Outlined" contain? Franklin told him that it was nothing that he would be interested in. But Louie replied, "Anything with a beautiful cover so masterfully crafted must contain the wisdom of the ages, and he began to browse though it.
Even though he himself was a monarch, Louie was so impressed and taken by Franklin's words that he dropped to his knees and begged Franklin, "Please, leave this manuscript with me. If you do, I promise to see that it is published worldwide after my own life and monarchy ends. Do this, Prince Benjamin, and I will give you all the maidens in the land and anything else your heart desires...for if you take this manuscript with you it may get lost in the flames of American revolution. I know King George of England. He will burn it if he gets his hands on it, for he wishes England to always remain a monarchy and the rest of the world his colony. I repeat, all the maidens in France are yours."
Franklin hesitated for not a second. "This manuscript is yours. Keep your maidens, or most of them anyway. Give me only your swiftest ships and finest soldiers to aid America's struggle against tyranny."
The King of France agreed and the rest in history. Yes, this manuscript was the bargaining tool to gain French assistance in our successful quest for independence from England. So if this work was such a masterpiece, why was it not published after Louie's death and his canonization as Saint Louis? Because, after the treatise "Liberty Outlined" served as the seed for French Revolution, Napoleon took power in France and got his greasy little hands on it. He ordered his best friend, General Bertholdi to destroy it, that it should never be known that an American planted the seed for French Revolution.
Bertholdi took it home that summer night and told his wife to build a fire. She said she had already cooked dinner, so General Bertholdi told her he had a book he wanted her to burn and tossed it into the unlit fireplace and went outside to supposedly take a leak in the pond. Fortunately, Mademoiselle had a keen eye for art and decided she could never burn such a beautiful thing. So she hid the book under the bed and burned some old newspapers instead...because she know her husband was probably outside looking at the chimney to make sure she had been obedient.
So what happened to the manuscript after that? Almost 50 years later, on Mademoiselle Bertholdi's deathbed, she told her grandson who was a sculptor, about the manuscript and the story behind it. After she died, fate would have it that her Grandson was commissioned to design and sculpt a grand Lady of Liberty to be placed in the very heart of Paris for all the world to swoon at her feet.
Bertholdi went to work on it with all his energies. But the High Court of France repeatedly rebuked his designs...until he stole Franklin's detailed design for the head and crown from the cover "Liberty Outlined," and Franklin's design for the entire Statue from the back cover. The Parisian Judges loved it and told him to begin the gargantuan task of sculpting the giant copper version.
After young Bertholdi copied Franklin's design, he hid the book in his studio vault, but not before some eunuch apprentice got a quick peak at it while Bertholdi was outside taking a leak. The eunuch blew the whistle on his master even though the statue was nearly complete. The High Court chastised Bertholdi for his deception and said they could never put an American-designed Statue in Paris. They demanded Bertholdi to turn over the manuscript but he swore he destroyed it. They were about to sentence Bertholdi to the Guillotine when one of Benjamin Franklin's many illegitimate great-grandsons came up with a stroke of diplomatic genius.
Pierre Franklin declared, "Give the Statue to the Americans as a gift on their centennial which approaches. It will pay us back many times in good feelings and increased trade. And have Bertholdi build us the Eiffel Tower we had planned to give to the Americans. But have him build it for free and ten times the size."
Bertholdi agreed, thankful to escape with his life. And, as fate would have it again, he was commissioned near the end of his life to sculpt a giant statue of Saint Louis on his horse for the people of St. Louis, Missouri, USA. But just before shipping the statue across the Atlantic, Bertholdi stashed Franklin's "Liberty Outlined" into a secret compartment in the rear left hoof of the giant statue. Bertholdi thought it was only fitting, as it was the horse of the rider of the same name as King Louie who first realized its importance. So boot it and its miraculous story were to ride thru the ages with Saint Louis, so Bertholdi thought as he died several days later.
And so it would have been, if not for an aging and penniless artist and his dog named Pip who were wandering around the Statue in front of the Saint Louis Art Museum, 130 years later. It was right after a torrential rain, and the artist's keen eye saw a tiny trickle of red ink bleeding from the rear left hoof. Pip climbed up the pedestal and with the artist's help managed to free the manuscript form its secret compartment.
The artist raced home to his humble and occasionally unkempt abode, frantically scanned the cover, and put it on his website for all the word to see, regardless of his personal destiny. Sure enough, later that historic evening, while in the process of actually reading it aloud to his dog Pip, the artist succumbed to an orgasmicoronary brought on by euphoric glee, confident his knowledge of Franklin's wisdom would nevertheless live on in the spiritual realm for all eternity. Where the hard copy of "Liberty Outlined" is now, only the winds of time know...and of course Pip."All In The Family, Finally" "The Cosell Bulldogs" This long-lost poster discovered in mint condition under a bed once owned by Howard Cossel proves that he was indeed Muhammad "Cassius Clay" Ali's Jewish Father. They parted ways not long after teenage Cassius underwent plastic surgery to bob his Semetic nose. Bogart and Becall look-alikes in "The Big Sleep - A Prozac-Viagra Jig-Saw Puzzle for Children" "DeeNA," this nightmarish PBS tale of DNA Manipulation gone beserk proves once and for all that "It's not nice to mess with Mother Nature." Sure, everybody's seen the greatest movie of all time, "Citizen Kane." But only a select view have previewed "Citizen Kane II: Eye Ulysses." Why?? Because Orson Welles who, since boyhood, had always secretly believed he was Ulysses S. Grant, produced it in the Beverly Hills Mental Asylum where his financers had him placed for "observation." He was locked up there to be examined for egotistical mania. Finally, after 7 long years, he was only released with the agreement that he destroy all evidence of the movie...and it was only under his deathbed years later that several key feet of the magnificent film were discovered coiled around an unpolished and badly scratched glass eye. Now we know why Orson's first film, Citizen Kane, was his best. Or do we??? Put the pieces "toogether" and you'll get the "hole" picture. So you look at this obviously genuine poster (it say's it's Kosher, doesn't it) and you think this is some money-hungry sequeal to Kevin Costner's "Dances With Wolves." Wrong. This comedic movie came before the serious one that won the Oscar. This was done while Costnerstein was still in the Hebrew Academy and before he changed his name, traded his Yamakah in for a Toupee, started to chew Bull Durham instead of Matzahs, and before traded his humor in for a solemn cultural awareness. In all seriousness, our hats are off to Kevin's on-going crusade for truth regardless of what his last name or circumcisual status is.
Would you believe Julie Andrews has a brother named Elvis Andrews and Elvis Presley had a sister named Julie Presley? Hey, would a hillbilly Billboard lie? Would you believe Lauren Becall has a brother named Humphrey Bacall and Humphrey Bogart had a sister named Lauren Bogart? Of course you'd believe it. Hey, would a hillbilly Billboard lie? Would you believe John Kennedy had a brother named Nikita Kennedy and Nikita Khrushchev had a brother named John Khrushchev? Of course you'd believe it. Hey, would a hillbilly Billboard lie? And it explains how the Cuban missile Crisdis ended so suddenly...when Jack and Nik discovered their brotherly links. Would you believe Mikhail Gorbachev had a brother named Raold Reagan and Ronald Reagan had a brother named Mick Reagan? Of course you'd believe it. Hey, would a Missouri State Park Outhouse Billboard lie? And it explains how the Cold War ended so suddenly...when Mikhail and Ronald discovered their brotherly links. Would you believe Mia Farrow has a brother named Woody Farrow and Mia's onetime husband Woody Allen has a sister named Mia Allen? Of course you'd believe it. What else could they possibly have in common to warrant getting married? A picture, especially a book cover with plenty of text on it, is worth a thousand words. Hey, would the Charles DeGaulle Foundation let Mick Jagger wear Degaulle's uniform for an entire year if they didn't know for sure Jagger had plenty of integrity deep down. Talk about deep dow, it was DeGaulle's boys who thought the Maginot Line was going to hold Hitler at bay. So, big deal, if Mick Jagger doesn't have any integrity afterall. As long as the public believes it, what's the difference? "Why not?? Ain't got nothing better to do bein' that we're only the unknown siblings of big shot celebrities," Ali MacGraws' Brother Ryan MacGraw and Ryan' O'Neal's Sister Ali O'Neal retorted in unison when asked why they made a movie they knew would never be realeased called Love Story II. "Why not?? Ain't got nothing better to do bein' that we're only the unknown siblings of big shot celebrities," Dezi Arnaz's Sister Lucy Arnaz and Lucille Ball's Brother Dezi Ball retorted in unison when asked why they posed for a portrait together which they knew would never be seen by the public. So you thought the Watergate Case was closed and that Elvis was dead. Wrong, on almost both counts. The water-damaged picture you see above was discovered by the coroner who prepared President Nixon for burial...in the pocket of his sweaty robe. And isn't it interesting that the moldy velvet robe was given to Nixon by Elvis and had never been washed or cleaned? Sources at the Mazeltov Mortuary in San Clemente say that Nixon asked to visit his presidential library and museum just days before his demise and that he commandeered the photo at that time. Why would Nixon have wanted to hide a photo showing Elvis introducing his young friend Billy Clinton to him many years ago. It now seems that the caption on the photo is correct, that the entire Watergate affair was Clinton's youthful idea. And it also appears that years later Clinton befriended Nixon in his last days and that Nixon swore that he would seek out the photo and destroy it...on two conditions...one, that Clinton promise never to divulge to the public that an elderly Elvis look-alike had been the janitor at the Governor's mansion in Little Rock for the past decade and would now be the head of lawncare at the Nixon Library for the rest of his natural life. So what was the second condition? That Clinton promise not to play the saxophone at the president's funeral and that he never seek any sort of public office again. As a foot note, it was only recently that the FBI successfully identified the man to Clinton's left as Rush Limbaugh, known in the 70's as "Rusty Limbo." So you find it hard to believe that the Americn mistress of poetry, Miss Emily Dickinson was the great-grandmother of Hollywood beauty Angie Dickinson? Didn't you even got to school long enough to learn that if somehting is in print it must be true? The tooth-boogling image you see above proves beyond a yellow stain that our country has had two George W.'s serve as president - Geroge W. Ashington (that's right, the history books have had his name wrong all these years) and George W. Bush. Finally, we why the Great Garbo spent 30 years in seclusion. She was writing a cultural masterpiece. We've all heard the beautiful "Songs of Solomon" in the Holy Bible. And we all know that King Solomon was blind and that Ray Charles was blind. But we never put two and two together until this polychromatic woodcut was discovered in 2004 under Ray Charles deathbed. In the brief time since then, scientists have unlocked the puzzle of why King Solomon was also referred to as King Charles many times in both the Old and the New Testament. And how did they unlock such a seemingly far-fetched puzzle? With the help of Motown Supercomputers. You guessed it. The digital syntax of every single one of Ray Charles' songs matches perfectly with the meter and dipthongage of "The Songs of Solomon." Of course it it is also interesting that Ray "Solemn" Charles actual last name is Robinson..which when translated into Yiddish sounds exactly like Rabbi's Son. Of course, King Solomon was indeed a Rabbi's Son. Additionally it has been reported by less-than-reliable sources that it was the biggest Rabbi's Son of all who stashed the priceless woodcut under Ray's Beverly Hills bed...the Pope. Case closed. Mel Gibson - The Reel Lethal Weapon Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, Law School Magician Ralph Nader's mother, Rifka Nader, self-portrait with pearl earrings. Humphrey Bogart gets a wiff of the Barefoot Contessa Ava Gardner's beautiful feet. No, folks, Ben Franklin was not the real Last Samurai, but according to this recently restored photo he was the first Sumo Wrestler. And, folks, here we see irrefutable evidence that the world's first Volkswagen was actually a bullet proof outhouse designed by Adolph Hitler. That's right hoop fans, here we see how short Shaquille O'neal actually was before his well-intentioned basket ball coach secretly sweetened Shaquille's rice-krispie treats with steriods. DNA recently recovered from Isaac Wayne Newton's 300 year old slide rule proves that today's legendary Las Vegas talent Wayne Newton is a direct descendant of Sir Isaac Wayne Newton. And isn't it interesting that Isaac's Yiddisha friends all called him by the nickname "Vain" because of his pretty blonde hair he spent so much time curling three times a day.
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